10 Minutes in the mind of a toddler

After spending the day looking after the kids yesterday, while trying to watch the most important football match of my life and stopping Triplet 2 eating the contents of the bin I realised how irrational a toddler is!

The triplets are easy to work out, they just want to eat rubbish from the bin, fight with each other, throw toys at each other and generally cause havoc, the 3-year-old however is like an unhinged psychopath and I mean that as a term of endearment.

To explain my diagnosis, I have taken a typical 10 minutes in his daily routine to emphasise the crazy that goes on in this little dude head:

1. I wanna play with the iPad.

2. I wanna put on daddy’s shoes.

3. GET DADDY’S SHOES OFF MY FEET NOW!

4. I wanna go swimming.

5. I wanna open and close the playroom door.

6. Is my penis still there? Good.

7. If I stand closer to the TV I will get a better view

8. I’m hungry but you have to guess what I want.

9. Is there anyone here with a phone I haven’t played with yet?

10. I NEED TO PUSH SOME GODDAMN BUTTONS.

11. I wanna pick up Triplet 2 up by his head.

12. I’m gonna just have a melt down because Triplet 1 has a toy I wasn’t playing with.

13. HOLY SHIT I’M STARVING.

14. I want a yoghurt.

15. Is my penis still there? Good.

16. I’m gonna be Darth Vader.

17. Why the f**k haven’t we got yoghurts in tubes!!!.

18. I’m gonna drag Triplet 3 around by his feet.

19. I wonder which Star Wars character daddy is?

20. I wanna play with the iPad.

21. I wanna go outside on the trampoline.

22. I wanna take my trousers off.

23. I don’t like the shirt I’m wearing.

24. Shall I just cry?

25. I wanna play on the Xbox.

26. WHY IS THE FOOTBALL ON?!?!?!?

27. I’m thirsty.

28. No, not for that.

29. Yes, perfect, fruitshoot. I’m gonna squeeze this damn thing all over myself.

30. Where’s Mummy?

31. Is my penis still there? Good.

32. SERIOUSLY WHERE’S MUMMY!?

33. Oh my God I think Mummy left forever.

34. Hungry again. Never mind.

35. I just remembered i'm not liking these trousers. Get them off.

36. STOP TAKING OFF MY TROUSERS I LIKE THESE ONES!

37. Wow, I’m starving.

38. Why is Triplet 2 licking the wall?

39. WHY DO I STILL HAVE THIS T-SHIRT ON?

40. I’m tired.

41. I’M NOT TIRED! Is my penis still there? Good.

42. When can I watch Paw Patrol.

43. I don’t like Paw Patrol only Ben & Holly.

44. I need a wee.

45. I can hang on a bit and watch TV.

46. Aaaarrrrgggghhh I’ve wet my pants a little.

47. Dad is Santa watching my right now?

48. I’m gonna hit my sister.

49. This shirt itches.

50. Stop asking me if I’m tired.

51. I’m gonna empty that whole toy box out for the Triplets to play with.

52. When’s the football finishing – 1 minute?

53. Why are the Triplets playing with my toys?

54. I’m gonna scream, that’ll stop them.

55. Where’s the Triplets?

56. Is my penis still there? Good.

57. I peed.

58. I’m bored.

59. Repeat

I'm sure this repetitive behaviour is just a phase and he'll grow out of it, my only concern is the triplets will go through this all at once!

Would it be considered bad parenting if i went to hide in an isolated cabin in the mountains until they're passed this phase? I'm sure Triplet Mummy can cope with them on her own for a few years!

Image - Melissa Balmain, Parenting Magazine 2003